I will give your life to you as a prize... [Jeremiah 45:5]

This past couple weeks have been so hard for me. I have so many pent up feelings of inadequacy and failure, and as hard as I have tried, I have been so frustrated with myself for not being "enough." Who am I not enough for though? The more that I have thought and prayed about this, I am finding that the only one I am inadequate for is... myself. God loved me so much in my sin and imperfection that He died for me, yet I continually go to Him apologizing that I just can't make myself worthy enough for Him, when all He really wants is... me... just the way I am. If I could only remember this truth and shut out all the lies that I am continually tempted to believe about who I am. The root of such lies is pride; I am unable to relinquish my grasp on the fact that I cannot make myself what I was not made to be. How freeing to finally realize that all of Him is MORE than enough for all of me... and that I must look to Him to fulfill and decide who I am to be, not who I think I should be for Him.

I read something today that really confirmed this. Oswald Chambers says in "My Utmost For His Highest": Are you prepared to let God take you into total oneness with Himself, paying no more attention to what you call the great things in life? Are you prepared to surrender totally and let go?... Once you do surrender, you will no longer think about what God is going to do. Abandonment means to refuse yourself the luxury of asking any questions. If you totally abandon yourself for God, He immediately says to you, "I will give your life to you as a prize...." The reason people are tired of life is that God has not given them anything-- they have not been given their life "as a prize". The way to get out of that condition is to abandon yourself to God. And once you do get to the point of total surrender to Him, you will be the most surprised and delighted person on earth, God will have you absolutely without any limitations, and He will have given you our life. If you are not there, it is either because of disobedience in your life or your refusal to be simple enough."

Am I not only willing to give Jesus my best, but my worst? Am I willing to offer Him my discrepancies, weaknesses, imperfections, and failures along with the things that I think He may want from me, things that seem of use and importance?

sick...

Well sometimes my body has to yell to get my attention; why do I tend to learn lessons the hard way? :/
It's so annoying when my health can't keep up with my agenda... when my body says to SLOW DOWN...

God's sovereignity is written all over my life, like a beautiful tapestry. Everything that happens both significant and small screams of His presence in every part of my being. Even the things that seem never to be reached; the hurdles that have not yet been overcome, the insurmountable barriers- all are overshadowed by His powerful words, "I am with you... My presence will go with You, and I will give you rest."

As I sit in the quiet of my room, I am filled with a sense of calm, of simple trust, like a child. I sit filled with a hope of new mercies, never-ending faithfulness, and unabounding love.