#1

So I wrote a little birthday post in November, about all the things in my life that I wanted to change. So far the most attention I have gotten is from the hope to stay single for a year. Funny enough, that one is one of the least important of my little goals in my mind right now though.

One of the hardest resolutions I have made is to stay true and real. I'm writing this post in the midst of a huge spiritual and emotional hard spot in my life. I cry on my way home from work most nights, and really have no motivation to live life. I hate myself for struggling when I have so much to be thankful for. I have no desire to read my Bible or to pray, and honestly, I'm completely disgusted with modern Christianity.

There I said it.

There is so much hypocrosy and religious piety in the name Christian anymore. Day after day at work I interact with broken people who desperately need a real God that will meet them right where they are, before they clean up there messy lives. I have come to realize that I want nothing to do with "religious" people. I have gotten to the point that I cringe when people at work say, "but she is a Christian". No. Not like you would think. I don't hate you for your messed up lives. I don't judge you for your actions. I pity you. I want desperately for you to have a real joy. I want your heart to be filled with joy and peace. Please don't look at me and see a "good girl" trying to put on a great impression. I struggle with the same thoughts, desires, sins... I just have realized that I can't do it on my own. That's where the love of Christ comes in.

And Christ's love looks nothing like the modern church's display of love. His love is one that goes out and meets the scars, blood, and dirt of a bedraggled man or woman, a love that does not recognize the selfish piety of a proud "saint." I hate the fact that anymore I represent a body of people who simply look down on the rest of the world for what they do, rather than going in and simply loving as Christ loved... showing by example a better way. Showing by example does not mean having everything together. For every time I kick myself: letting some choice word at work slip out of my mouth; for every time I don't seem happy and preppy, or snap at a co-worker, I am reminded: it is by grace you have been saved.

Grace. Oh how I need it. Oh how the stained heart of the common man needs it. And even more so, the messed up bunch of people who pretend to represent the Lord Jesus whom they would hardly recognize if He walked the earth today.

Step 1. Being Real. Check.

Not so good at the whole honesty thing...

So good at hiding behind shadows off the facade I have built... no truth in that...
It takes courage to be real.

2009... Time to pull the facade away.