Girls and Their Hearts...

This is a GREAT article from boundless.org... feed on it; think on it!

Not Your Buddy

by Suzanne Hadley

It's been 10 years since Boundless was birthed. As part of our celebration of a decade of ministry, we're re-publishing a popular article that, though nearly three years old, still resonates with a lot of our readers.

We're publishing another notable article tomorrow, and then rounding out the week with retrospectives from former Boundless editors Candice Watters and Matt Kaufman.

* * *

The other day I was having lunch with a friend and she began to pour out an all-too-familiar story. The guy she'd been hanging out with four nights a week, the one who'd made her a jazz mix CD and asked her to be his date to his office Christmas party, the one who'd gone to late-night movies with her and made her pasta — that guy — had crushed her hopes (again) with a single, nonchalant statement: "I don't see myself in a relationship anytime soon."

I tried to reassure my friend that the guy probably thought she was beautiful and fabulous and smart but had just made a choice to be single for now.

"But we have such a great connection," she moaned. "We're such good friends!"

I felt anger well up. This was not the first time I'd heard this story. I could count nearly half a dozen friends who found themselves in this same frustrating situation. After investing months in late night talks, meals together and flirty e-mails, each woman faced the sad reality that the guy actually wasn't planning to upgrade their friendship to, well, marriage.

It's Not Our Fault!

I decided to discuss this trend with a few of my guy friends. I specifically targeted Brad, whose boyish good looks and abundance of charm had lured in more than one hopeful woman and gained him a reputation as a heartbreaker.

"Do you think it's wrong for a guy to initiate one-on-one time with a woman when he has no intentions with her?" I asked.

My friend paused, savoring the question. "I think," he said, "if a woman wants something to be there, she's going to see something there."

His buddies smirked knowingly.

"But don't you think seeking her out and spending time with her encourages it?" I prodded.

"She's the one who's choosing to view that as special treatment," he said, shrugging his shoulders. "It's her interpretation."

"Can you tell when a girl's interested in you?"

"Usually."

"Then why would you lead her on like that?"

"She's free to say no anytime. Until then, I'll assume she's OK with it."

By "OK," I guessed he meant the girl could handle it emotionally.

His buddies slapped him on the back.

"That's right," one of them piped up. "Women are always going to read into something. If you catered to it, you'd have to give up female friends completely."

Mutually Exclusive

The most helpful book I never read was a little relationship book called He's Just Not That Into You. The title alone provided the answer to a decade's old inner struggle I've had. You know, the one that causes a single female to hope a relationship will develop out of a friendship despite a complete absence of evidence of the fact.

In her book Relationships, former college professor Dr. Pamela Reeve discusses three levels of friendships: acquaintances, companions and intimate friends. Dr. Reeve observes that men and women cannot sustain an intimate friendship without one or the other harboring romantic expectations. She recommends that men and women avoid being intimate friends outside of courtship and marriage.

Companions, she says, generally spend less than two hours together a week. When a man indicates he would like to see the woman more than that, but claims they are "just friends," he sends a mixed message.

Dr. Reeve writes: "One party can selfishly enjoy all the benefits of a relationship, the warmth and relief from loneliness, the satisfaction of the attention that feeds the ego — all without the accompanying commitment. One party luxuriates, while the other party feels cheated and is left with deep unsatisfied longings."

I've recently observed several non-dating relationships that seem to fall into the "intimate friends" category. In every case, it is the woman who is paying the price emotionally. Why? When a guy starts investing his heart, he can do something about it by making a move. And if the girl rejects him, the friendship ends or changes significantly. A woman, however, can hang on in this kind of relationship indefinitely, hoping the guy will eventually share her feelings. She makes herself available to him as a "friend," all the while hoping the friendship will blossom into something more.

Unfortunately, even if the guy senses the woman's interest, like my friend Brad, he has not made a direct offer to her and therefore feels no obligation to clear up the matter. Maybe we could chalk that up to communication differences between men and women: a man may be oblivious to unspoken signs that he has been placed in the "future husband" category. What he may be viewing as an innocent dinner, she sees as an indication that the friendship is developing into more. But men should assume that if a woman is spending a lot of time with him, she is interested and she is investing her emotions. (I suspect men realize this more often than they'll admit, but hold onto these ego-boosting relationships anyway.)

Women, on the other hand, need to assume less. A woman should not assume that a guy friend she's spending time with is: a) just too shy to make a move; b) thinking she's the woman of his dreams but the timing isn't right; c) in denial of God's will that they be together.

We get it. A woman loves to read into a guy's every action. That's her relational crime. But the guy does her a disservice by allowing her to be his "buddy girl" — a female friend who provides the relational benefits without the commitment.

In his article Physical Intimacy and the Single Man, Matt Schmucker points out that men defraud their sisters when they indulge in this type of relationship. "Simply put," he writes, "a man defrauds a woman when, by his words or actions, he promises the benefits of marriage to a woman he either has no intention of marrying or if he does, has no way of finally knowing that he will."

Single men and women are failing each other. Uncommitted intimate friendships may satiate immediate needs, but they lead to frustration and heartache. Not to mention, for singles ready for marriage, these "friendships" waste time and energy.

Stepping Back

Men and women who find themselves in a dead-end friendship, should take responsibility. A woman is responsible to be wise with her heart. Solomon said, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" (Prov. 4:23). If a woman feels her heart longing for a man who's not pursuing her, indulging those feelings is unwise.

Song of Songs puts it this way, "Do not awaken love before it so desires." As a generation of women drunk on chick flicks, we want romance to happen so badly we allow ourselves to fantasize about relationships that have no founding.

About a year ago, my sister, a college junior, was receiving regular phone calls from Nick, a guy friend who had transferred to another school. During their conversations he would shower her with compliments, ask her what she was looking for in a guy and talk about taking her out to dinner at a fancy restaurant when he visited. At the same time, he congratulated her for being the only girl he could really talk to who wouldn't "get the wrong idea."

Despite her desire to be that exception, Sarah found herself increasingly confused by Nick's attention. She realized she was beginning to entertain romantic thoughts. After seeking counsel, Sarah decided she needed to cut back on her interactions with Nick to protect her heart.

During their next phone conversation, she explained how she felt. Nick admitted he wasn't interested in her as more than a friend, but he seemed shocked and offended that Sarah wanted to back off.

Just as a woman should take measures to guard her heart in relationships, a guy should seek to protect the emotions of his female friends. Paul instructed Timothy to treat young women "as sisters with absolute purity." I can say this from experience — you never have to wonder if your brother is romantically interested in you.

I have interacted with guys who are genuine and friendly without making me wonder if they want me to have their children. Like a good dance partner, the guy gently eases me to a place where I understand he considers me a friend only. We may engage in a meaningful friendship, but he does not give false signals by inviting me to dinner, e-mailing me daily or initiating extended time together. While these actions are fine if the guy is interested, they are misleading if he's not.

Make Room for Romance

Ecclesiastes croons, "There is a time for love." If, as a woman, you are indulging in an intimate friendship with a man who is not pursuing you, you are accepting a cheap imitation of love. And by spending all your time with a guy who will never put a ring on your finger, you may miss a potential suitor.

If, as a man, you are spending large quantities of time with a woman, you may want to consider if perhaps the relationship is deserving of an upgrade to an intentional relationship that explores the possibility of matrimony. If not, do your sister the courtesy of making your stance clear, freeing her to be pursued by another man.

Above all, if you find yourself in an intimate friendship with someone of the opposite sex, ask the Lord for wisdom and discernment. Describing the complexity of relationships, Dr. Reeve uses the words of a poster she once read:

Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing....
It requires real maturity to get involved and not get all messed up.

"Never," she concludes, "is this more true than in relationships between men and women."

I couldn't agree more with the good doctor. When it comes to male-female relationships, lacking intent, the buddy system is a bad idea.

New Beginnings

Life changes as our perceptions become more focused.... things happen that are unexpected, yet not unwelcome, because they bring freedom, renewal, peace...
Change is so hard, but so good- it allows us to go beyond our expectations, to look out beyond the present and see that God may have more for us. We are led up to the edge of the overwhelmingly high cliff, surrounded by trees, rivers, green pastures...
And we are told to jump...

Conformed.... or Transformed...

It is so easy to blend in, to change who you are so others will like you... to do anything to fit in takes no courage. To do everything you can to fight your will to blend in... to truly stand out takes courage.

If we go through life changing to our surroundings, our companions, and to the situations life is constantly throwing at us, no one will know who we really are including ourselves.

It is time to stand up for who you are, the person that you were meant to be, not the person that creeps up when you are at your weakest, the easy personality of complacency to the world's expectations.

Different is beautiful.

I'm back!

Stories to come!

Last Post...

Hey all,

This is my last post before I leave for Morraco...

My bag will be here tonight at 9!!! (1 pm back home) Thank you so much for all your prayers!!! I have blisters from two days in uncomfy flip flops so I'm so relieved to be getting my bag!

Another praise! There are more celiacs here in Spain than there are at home. The super markets are full of gluten-free crackers, bread, meat, and yummmmy chocolate chip cookies! My leaders are SO nice, and they have made sure that I have a bag full of crackers, dried fruit, nuts, soy milk, and cookies to take with me tomorrow. They also said (and this surprises me because I did so much research!) that in Morroco there are many diabetics, and so alot of people cannot eat sugar. They said that when we visit homes where I cannot eat the food, they will explain that I'm unable, like a diabetic, to eat certain foods, and because of this the Morrocans will not take offense! They aim to keep me as gluten-free (and well) as possible! Praise the Lord!

The beach here is beautiful, and today we had a picnic and laid in the sun. The orientation officially begins tonight and then we finish training in Morocco. The difference in cultures is absolutely crazy, and I can hardly take it all in!

I will be back in Spain on the 28th... Blessings and Thank you for praying!!!

Love Kate

Algeciras, Spain

Hi all!

I'm here in Spain, and it is beautiful! Very tired, but loving it here! We are staying in a small 5th floor apartment on a little street in the middle of town, and from our balcony we can see the city as well as the coast. We are only a short drive away from the Strait of Gilbraltar, where we will be ferrying across to Morocco in a couple days. Orientation will be in Morocco, and we will then be spending a couple weeks putting to good use what we learn.

Please pray... my bag did not arrive with me, and it only has a couple days to get here! If it does not come in time, one of the ladies who lives here in Spain has offered to let me borrow some of her clothes as she lived in Tunisia for two years and has often been to Morroco. But I also had my sandals and some other important things in my other bag... obviously if it doesn't come that means God will provide for me without it... but nonetheless it would be so nice!!!

Please continue to pray for the things below... I will update again probably tomorrow before I head across the strait...

I will give your life to you as a prize... [Jeremiah 45:5]

This past couple weeks have been so hard for me. I have so many pent up feelings of inadequacy and failure, and as hard as I have tried, I have been so frustrated with myself for not being "enough." Who am I not enough for though? The more that I have thought and prayed about this, I am finding that the only one I am inadequate for is... myself. God loved me so much in my sin and imperfection that He died for me, yet I continually go to Him apologizing that I just can't make myself worthy enough for Him, when all He really wants is... me... just the way I am. If I could only remember this truth and shut out all the lies that I am continually tempted to believe about who I am. The root of such lies is pride; I am unable to relinquish my grasp on the fact that I cannot make myself what I was not made to be. How freeing to finally realize that all of Him is MORE than enough for all of me... and that I must look to Him to fulfill and decide who I am to be, not who I think I should be for Him.

I read something today that really confirmed this. Oswald Chambers says in "My Utmost For His Highest": Are you prepared to let God take you into total oneness with Himself, paying no more attention to what you call the great things in life? Are you prepared to surrender totally and let go?... Once you do surrender, you will no longer think about what God is going to do. Abandonment means to refuse yourself the luxury of asking any questions. If you totally abandon yourself for God, He immediately says to you, "I will give your life to you as a prize...." The reason people are tired of life is that God has not given them anything-- they have not been given their life "as a prize". The way to get out of that condition is to abandon yourself to God. And once you do get to the point of total surrender to Him, you will be the most surprised and delighted person on earth, God will have you absolutely without any limitations, and He will have given you our life. If you are not there, it is either because of disobedience in your life or your refusal to be simple enough."

Am I not only willing to give Jesus my best, but my worst? Am I willing to offer Him my discrepancies, weaknesses, imperfections, and failures along with the things that I think He may want from me, things that seem of use and importance?